My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
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Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
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My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize