I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
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Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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