In the future we'll all be gay
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
