I smell stomach acid.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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