So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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