I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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