Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
splinters make it hard to masturbate
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
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