i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
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