He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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