I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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