im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
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