Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
