evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
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