my phone needs a breathalizer
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
