My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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