I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Randomize
