Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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