I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Boobs speak an international language.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
