I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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