I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
