I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
