we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
