he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
