Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Randomize
