my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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