If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
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