why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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