if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Randomize
