My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
