I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
