go do what you do best...puke behind churches
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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