some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Randomize
