i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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