party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
