why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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