Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
