You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
So much Jack, so little girl.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
