I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
