Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
