and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
