mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
