People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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