Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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