I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
