For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
