I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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