my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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