You smell like a Billy Joel song
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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