Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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