I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
