i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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