i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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