...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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