theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
