he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Randomize
