I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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