the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
