But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
I think i peed on brittanys purse
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
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I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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