you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Randomize
