chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
