There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
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