Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
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